What is "normal" really?!

Michelle & her girls

Well B and I seem to have fallen into as "normal" of a routine as we are going to get for a while. We have been keeping VERY busy with our friends and have quick visits with Daddy when we can (before/after Josh is at work). My friend Michelle has been so awesome and supportive over the last couple of weeks. She lets me cry/vent/laugh (or whatever I need to do at the moment) and she just lets me be me.

Michelle and I met through some mutual friends when we were both attending the local community college about 8 or 9 years ago. I would say we were acquaintances at the time. After college, we never really hung out anymore. Around a year and a half ago, our paths crossed again, only this time we were both married with kids (well "kids" for her, "kid" for me!). Anyway, Michelle and I have spoken at length about this - and we both honestly feel that God brought us back into each other's lives at the perfect time. She is such a beautiful, caring, and loving person and I am so blessed to be able to call her my friend. The last year and a half hasn't been the easiest for either of us, but it's been a lot easier since we have each other. I thank God every day for her - and B thanks God every day for her daughters (his best friends!).

JOSH UPDATE: I know so many people are praying for Josh and my family and I cannot tell you what that means to us. I have seen such an awesome change in Josh and I think we know the only ONE who can bring that kind of peace and change.

Drawing a blank...

So, I started writing this post a couple of times over the past week. Then I just draw a blank, or stare at the screen, or start watching funny videos on YouTube (best therapy in the world, by the way!). I guess it's tough to know where to begin and exactly how to put into words the things I would like to say. I struggle with being vulnerable, letting my guards down and exposing my less than perfect life. But hey, who doesn't? And then I remember, in the Bible God never once promised us that life would be easy or without pain and problems. In fact, He promises us that this life will be painful and hard.

As for my life, it's been going something like this:

Late last week, Josh was found to have been in violation of his probation (for an offense that occured a couple years ago), and the court ruled to revoke his probation. Basically, this means that his original sentence has been imposed and he is now at the county detention center. While Josh knew he was wrong and had admitted to making a mistake, neither of us expected his day in court to go quite so badly. Needless to say, it has been a tough transition for the entire family.

And while the situation is most definitely less than ideal (to say the least), I have had a great sense of peace. Don't get me wrong, I miss my husband dearly and it pains me to have to think about how much his heart is aching being away from us. However, I deeply believe that God loves me and He will never leave me or forsake me. You see, God doesn't make mistakes and He is not surprised by anything that I am going through at the moment. Instead of being hurt, or angry, or sad, I am trusting completely that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will for my life.

As for Josh, he told me this past Monday that he is happy with the outcome of his court hearing because he knows that it was exactly what he needed to put his life into perspective. He knows that surrendering his life to his own will is never going to work.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support. This week, please pray for a continued sense of peace for our family and that Josh will be able to rest. (He was moved into the work release program on Tuesday so that he can continue working - major answer to prayer. However, he has some less than steller "roommates" who stay up all night long playing cards, watching TV, carrying on, etc. making it extremely difficult for Josh to sleep.)

Bring the Rain

This has not been a great week for our family. In fact, if I were going to be completely honest, I would say it was our worst. If I had the brain power to put it all into words, I would. But I don't. I hardly had the brain power to take my son to Wal-Mart this morning. For now, this Mercy Me video about sums it up for me. Please keep my family in your prayers.

Audrey Caroline

From Audrey's mom (Angie) on 1/7/09:

There are two sides to this post. The first is that I fell completely in love with my daughter all over again because I hadn't seen her that way since the day she was born. I cried until I couldn't breathe, and my computer screen was covered in the fingerprints of a mother who wants her daughter back.
The second (as you will see) is that ONLY the Lord Himself could have orchestrated the peace that filled the room the day we had with our girl.
I want to say something really profound here, and to give you life-changing words that you will carry with you, outpouring from a heart that has experienced God's grace firsthand. Of course, the only way to know that peace is to know Him. Nothing I say can make you believe in His love the way He desires you to.
As you watch, please know that I am choosing to share this video because I trust you with my daughter. I feel safe with you, and I want you to know that the transparency I am able to display is quite simply because it is not my story to tell.
I just showed up and asked the Master to speak to His servant.
I hope you will too...in many ways. And if you have questions about Jesus, please e-mail me. I would be honored to talk to you about the One Who really matters.
The One that allows a mother to reveal the darkest day of her life in the hopes that others will seek the great light that is our Lord.
I am humbled, honored, and blessed to introduce you (in a new way) to my fourth daughter, Audrey Caroline. May her life continue to be the beacon it was intended to be, and for the rest of my days, may I humbly serve as her voice in this life.
Thank you, Sundays.
Now make yourself comfortable for about 11 minutes, and meet the one who captured all of our hearts...I do want to make you aware that when the girls are sitting on the bed with me and a nurse comes to take Audrey's pulse (approximately 9 minutes into the video), she nods to tell me that we have lost her to this world. You will see me mouth the words, "she's gone." The girls never knew that she had just been greeted by the King of Kings. I needed to keep up a strong face for the kids, but I was crushed. I ask them if they know where she really is and then ask what she might be doing. I kind of do a funny dance for them to picture her dancing, but other than that, I don't make a big deal out of it because I was really worried about their response. I mention all of this so that you can use your judgment in sharing with others who may not be comfortable with the situation.
At the end of the video, you will see us sitting by her casket as a family. Sarah Kate is ripping off the band-aids to signify that she is healed; and praise God, we believe she is.
"For in our suffering, not apart from it, Jesus enters our
sadness, takes us by the hand,
pulls us gently up to stand, and invites us to dance.
We find the way to pray, as the psalmist did,
"You have turned my mourning into dancing" (Ps 30:11),
because at the center of our grief
we can find the grace of God."
(excerpt from Henri Nouwen's "Turn My Mourning Into Dancing")
With more love than I can express,
Angie,

Now CLICK HERE to meet Audrey Caroline. And please keep Angie, Todd and their three girls in your prayers today (Audrey's 1st birthday) and throughout the week.

Guess where B & I are going?!

This Saturday. Oh boy! Pray for me :o)

"Not Me!" Monday ~ Stellan Style

As most of you know, "Not me! Monday" was started by my dear (blog) friend MckMama as a chance for us all to prove that we're not afraid to admit our imperfections. This week's "Not me! Monday" is in honor of MckMama's sweet baby Stellan who has been in the hospital for the last week battling SVT. We love you, Stellan!

As for me, I did not check MckMama's blog at least 35 times a day for the last 8 days. (I would just like to add that I still managed to care for my son and cook dinner in between all of my blog checking!) I did not take an unplanned hiatus from my own blog due to all of the time I was spending on following MckMama's blog and thinking of and praying for baby Stellan.

I did not have to explain to my Facebook friends that I don't actually know Stellan (or his cool mom) in real life after I requested prayer for the cute little dude.

I did not have to think hard about things to "tweet" because I found myself only wanting to type "thinking of/praying for Stellan".

I did not find myself checking MckMama's blog for any updates on Stellan at 4:30 am (before getting ready for work) because I didn't want to wait until 7:00 am (when I arrive at work) to see how he is doing.

I did not have more than three phone conversations with my sister regarding Stellan and whether or not one of us had read the latest post on MckMama's blog.

*** Please, please keep praying for dear baby Stellan and his family. ***

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

That's Just Really Sad!

You know what's really sad? The fact that I have not updated my blog since March 8th! That's 20 days ago. Do you know what is even sadder? The fact that after 20 days, I can't think of anything interesting to blog about! Things have been pretty status quo around here, not that I am complaining. It just makes for a boring blog! Nana did take pictures of B last week, so I will be sure to upload those on Monday. In the mean time, I'm just going to continue to pray for these sweet angels: Stellan, Gabe, Seth, and so on!

Good boy?!

Houston, we have a miscommunication! For some reason, Brennan confuses being a good boy, with being a big boy. I don't know why. A couple months ago I told Brennan that if he was a good boy while I shopped I would let him have some Pez when we reached the checkout. He proceeded to tell me "I'm a big boy!". No son, good boy not big boy! 

Well, tonight while eating dinner he made a little mess with his shredded cheese. He started flipping out because, fortunately for me, he likes things to be tidy while he eats. He wanted me to clean it for him and I said "No, you can do it. You're a big boy." To which he replied (with a sad, serious look) "No Momma, I'm not a good boy. I'm just little". 

That's my boy!

Ever had one of those weeks?

You know, the kind where you feel like all you do is spend time doing laundry and scrubbing things with bleach and yet somehow your house is still a disaster? Yeah, me either :o) 

Oh wait, that sounds a lot like me this past week! Poor B spent the better part of this past week throwing up, taking baths, and laying on the couch. I'm fairly certain I did 5 loads of laundry on Wednesday alone just to wash his soiled clothes & blankets, oh, and don't forget the bath mat (which, by the way, had already been washed on Sunday when B's friend had an "accident"!). 

Poor B has a double ear infection and I'm not a doctor but it would appear he has some type of stomach virus on top of it. Just when I think he's feeling better, he gets that "leave me alone and let me lay on the couch with my bucket" look in his eyes. Poor thing. He only weighs 25.3 lbs fully clothed (per the ER scale on Wednesday night). I'm pretty sure that his 6-month old cousin Jonathan is going to out weigh him soon (if not already!). 

Needless to say, I've been reminded this week that I am truly blessed with many things. I'm blessed with a child who is, for the most part, healthy & happy. Who hasn't had to spend the majority of his little life in a hospital bed fighting every day like poor Gabe and Abby. And with a job that provides leave to allow me to stay at home with my sick child, and even let me work from home when he is resting. I have definitely been given more than beyond measure and way more than I deserve. But I guess that's GRACE - God's Riches At Christ's Expense.

Wordless Wednesday (Maybe)

Can you guess who has been fighting a stomach bug since yesterday evening? Poor little bunny!